


Vodka with a hint of android

by readysteadytrek



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek The Next Generation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-08
Updated: 2015-01-08
Packaged: 2018-03-06 17:34:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3142835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/readysteadytrek/pseuds/readysteadytrek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Worf is sent to find out whoever is playing with the lights and comm system throughout the Enterprise D.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vodka with a hint of android

**Author's Note:**

> Just a warning that I am dyslexic. I have checked best i can for any mistakes, but if there are any I am sorry. This is something I literally can not help but I hope it does not ruin your experience.

_'My name is Captain Picard and I like to pout while I sit in my chair'_ came over the Enterprise's comm system for every person to hear across the ship.

Worf was pissed off. It 3 am and he had been searching the ship for 2 whole hours to his complete and utter horror.

_'He...heh yeah okay. My name is Captain Picard and i think Riker has a nice bum....'_

Worf sighed very loudly. Crew members who had been woken up from this nightmare were now sticking their heads of their rooms and giggling to one another. Even children were up and running about the place.

Worf was head of security, not a baby sitter!

He swore under his breath in Klingon.

He carried on down deck 8 trying to follow the hack signal, but it was jumping from place to place. He realised that he would have to search himself, room by room.  

 _'I am a warrior!'_ he kept repeating to himself. He couldn't tell if he was more angry or fed up. He just wanted to be back in bed so he could carry on dreaming about fierce fights.

_'no...yeah...yeah do it....This your Captain speaking and it is time for the nightly rave'._

All the lights went out on deck 8 (Worf had no idea if the rest of the ship had been affected) and then suddenly Red Alert was activated. All he could see was red, then black, red, and then back to black. Crew members started laughing loudly. 

"Do ANY of you know what or who is behind this?!?" He screamed at them. They all stopped laughing and stood to attention at the Klingon's deafening roar.

"No, Sir!" shouted a young female cadet.

"Do any of you have ANY suspects?"

They all looked round to one another.

"There were multiple people drinking in Ten Forward, Sir."

"Right!" Worf turned round and headed towards Guinan's room.

"This is YOUR ACTUAL CAPTAIN TALKING AND I WANT YOU ALL BACK IN YOUR ROOM NOW!" Worf heard. By the tone, he could tell it was the actual captain.

  _'No, THIS is your captain speaking and I often stroke Riker's full beard'._ Worf heard laughter all round him.

_'I often bathe in Earl Grey tea. That is how I have such a youthful, if musky scent about me'._

"THAT IS NOT TRUE WHOEVER IS DOING THIS IS IN BIG TROUBLE! COMPUTER....SORT THESE DAMN LIGHTS OUT...CODE...." The captain's voice trailed off and the lights came back to night time shift setting.

Worf, who after telling people to go back to their rooms and to remain calm, was now near the end of Deck 8. He spotted Guinan who was currently speaking to a mother.

"I don't know Jenny, I think it is kind of good for the crew to get worked up like this, throw in a little fun mystery. It's not healthy to be so strict all the time" she said. Worf walked up to her.

"Ah, Mr Worf".

"Guinan".

"And what can I help you with....."

_'No....I can't say that...No you're right I should. Okay.... I find that when I talk to women they often want the D. And I am not talking about the Enterprise's D'_

The deck erupted with laughter. Even Guinan laughed. Worf pouted.

"Not enjoying this, Worf?"

"No. This type of humor is below me. It woke me from my sleep and I have been searching for whoever is behind this for 2 hours now. I am...frustrated" he said quietly while looking off in anger. "A few crew members told me that people were drinking in Ten Forward this evening".

"Yes. But that happens quite a lot, Worf".

"Any one who stood out in drinking?"

"Oh no. No one stood out. I am sorry, Worf. I can't help you". She lied. She knew full well who had been drinking, but she wasn't about the let the fun stop yet. She didn't live for such a long time and not know when fun was needed.

"Very well. I suggest you go back to your rooms until this is dealt with".

"Okay, Worf. Good luck with your search".

"Mm...Thank you" he said as he stormed off towards to the turbo lift. She waved to him as the doors shut.

\---

Now on Deck 12, Worf was searching empty rooms and holodecks when something revealing came on.

_'Number one, who will now be referred to as Golden Vision, has informed just how shiny my head is'_

"WILL YOU STOP MAKING COMMENTS ABOUT THE SHININESS OF MY HEAD"

_'In the event of losing your mirror, you now have permission to use my head as the reflective qualities have yet to be understood by science....what do you mean that was too long....'_

Worf stood and thought. Golden Vision? Golden....Vision... Another term for vision? Sight? Seeing? Looking? Vision...Vision....Vis....

"VISOR!! GOLDEN VISION. GEORDI!" Worf screamed. A few people working looked up at Worf.

"Worf to captain"

"PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVE SOMETHING!"

"Golden Vision, I believe is Geordi"

There was a pause.

"That son of a...I will meet you in engineering".

 _'This is your captain speaking. And this is your captain beat boxing..."_ The most intense and unnatural noises came across the comm system. They were inhuman, Worf thought.

"DATA!"

\----

Worf and Picard were standing outside of engineering. After hearing several more comm messages including how Picard has a crush on Q, often sits in the captain's chair in just his underwear, how he will now refer to Riker as baby blue eyes and that he has a wig which looks just like Deanna Troi's hair, they had decided enough was enough.

Picard was in one of the worst moods Worf had ever seen. He didn't even put on his uniform. He was standing there in a dressing robe with circles under his eyes. 

"I swear Worf...I swear..."

"I will go in first captain"

Worf entered engineering. The night shift staff were happily working, seemingly enjoying the antics going on. 

 _'I am much like fine french wine. I only get better with age'._ A few staff members tried hiding their laughter. A fair number failed.

Picard shuffled in, not even paying attention the people giggling.

"Right Mr Worf. Search the vents, I am sure that they are hiding somewhere like that"

_'Why did the chicken cross the star ship? Because I am Captain Picard.....what do you mean that makes no sense? It was not funny?....'_

Worf was just about prepared to call it quits with Starfleet.

_'...then what should I......okay...okay....Why can't Klingon's play in sandboxes? Because cats keep trying to cover them up!'_

"That doesn't even make sense!!" Worf shouted aloud.

"Ignore them Worf! Everyone! Get of engineering!" 

The night shift staff all left. Some with tears down their faces as they tried not to laugh.

"Right Mr Worf, now listen carerfully..." They both went silent. Walking quietly and slightly ducking, they kept their ears close to vent shafts in a hope to hear something. 

After a few moments of walking at the very back of engineering, Worf thought he heard something behind a vent door.

"....No....Really...but why would any chicken cross the road....was there a barn....?"

"Oh my gosh, Data....you're such a fool sometimes"

Worf could hear them.

He tore off the vent shaft.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" An incredible loud scream came from Data and he dropped his hacked comm badge. Geordi burst out laughing at how femine Data screamed at the sight of Worf.

"Way...*hic*....way to act like a strong robot, Day-TA!" Geordi said. He kept giggling.

"What the hell are you two doing!"

Data, who had gathered himself from this point began talking.

"Captain...My dear captain!" He said pointing to Picard before being distracted by his own hand.

"Oh my gosh. Why did he build my hands so big?!"

"I can install tiny hands if you want?"

They both burst out laughing at the idea of Data with tiny hands.

"No. No. Cat paws. Make me cat paws!" Data exclaimed before grabbing his chest with laughter.

"I swear, Worf. I swear....GET OUT OF THERE THIS INSTANCE!"

Both Data and Geordi, who had both been curled up over the hacked comm badge with legs tangled, clambered out. Data managed to get out successfully while Geordi fell on the floor. Neither could stop giggling. Worf picked Geordi up.

"Explain!" Picard said.

"My name is Captain Picard and I am reallllly pissed"

"RIGHT THAT'S IT. BRIG!"

"Oh what nooooooo" they both sighed.

"WORF. BRIG. NOW!"

Worf grabbed both of their arms and shuffled them away.

Picard rubbed his head before in the distance all he could hear was...

"I am Captain Picard and I fancy Data's butt!"


End file.
